Eat me plz

A stranger. That is who I am. I’ve never been here before. I’ve never walked these streets. I’ve never had this air in my lungs before. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful. The feel­ing is overwhelming, and most of all its irresistible. All the new faces, smells, sights and sounds. Where I come from, everybody knows everybody. And everybody knows everything about everybody.  When you met someone on the sidewalk it was your obligation to say “Hello, nice weather today, huh?” Or “Hello, how are you?” Now, when I meet someone on the sidewalk I look down. Petrified that someone will see that I’m new here, that I arrived only a few days ago and maybe I don’t belong here. God forbid. So, I look down.

So where shall I begin? I left everybody. I went from being surrounded by friends and fam­ily, I went from being safe and sound to being all alone and terrified. That was my choice, and even though it’s hard I’ve never regret it. Not even the tiniest moment, not even for a second. Because I had to leave. I had to get away. I couldn’t take to be safe, to be loved, to be some­one else. I needed to be me, and that’s who I am here in this beautiful new place. I am myself for the first time.

However, it’s hard to start over. It’s lonely and it’s frightening, but that’s one of the reasons I had to do it. I wanted to be someone I couldn’t be as long as I stayed. I wanted to become a better version of myself, to rise above it all.

Me and gravity, we never could agree. I always wanted to jump a little longer, run a little faster and fly a little higher. And every so often I nearly could. Nearly I say, because it was persistently just beyond my reach. And it left me with vanity as my only true friend. Within myself I found something I couldn’t repress. I wanted to stand my ground. To shout and scream so that somebody would finally hear me. But all that ever left my mouth was gentle whispers. Again and again I was forgotten in my little cor­ner of the world.

It’s not that they didn’t love me. They did. And they tried as hard as they could. It was me. I couldn’t jump, run or fly. I just didn’t have it in me. And I was sick of my sickness. I was one of those you would call a wrecked soul. The reason was that I was caught in the same routines, caught with the same people, caught with the same drama and rumours. Caught in this anxious pain I couldn’t run from. No matter how hard I tried it just wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. Therefore one day I decided to leave the safety. I made all the plans, I left, and here I am, a stranger.

The first time I sat my foot here I felt this aching in my stomach, this tense fluttering, like a tornado that scratched and wanted to rip my soul apart. I wanted to cry and go back. Back to my parents, back to my friends and back to safety. Of course I couldn’t, so instead I started to walk. I walked for hours and I never looked back. After a while tough, the aching disappeared and the tornado settled. The only thing left was this unfamiliar awareness. I was on my way, my own way.

It’s not like I imagined it would be. I thought it would be easier. That once I was here eve­rything would be much clearer. That I would have forgotten all about my old problems. Don’t get me wrong, they are gone. I won’t have to deal with them. But still, I think about them.

It’s an odd thing, thinking about the future. It doesn’t exist. It’s just an object of the imagination and the mind. Still I manage to think about it all the time. Days will go by and turn into weeks, months and years, I won’t be a stranger anymore. I will feel like this is my home. And I believe that this truly is where I belong. But in the future I will not only believe it, I will also know it in my heart.

Before I came here I was a mess and my life was a chaos I couldn’t bring any order to. Even though it took a lot of courage to leave, I wasn’t brave enough to stay. I miss the ones I left behind, but I know that we’ll meet again someday. They will eventually come here too. And we’ll be together once again. Maybe you’re wondering where I am, and all I can say it’s not a place far away.

Perhaps you’ve heard about it?
It’s called heaven

/ Lizzie ♥

”And you say:
Be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in

But don’t you understand?
I already have a plan.
I’m waiting for my

Real life to begin”

- Colin Hay